take it to the limit - one more time

i’m two hours away from moving out from the city i lived in for eight years. and i’m sitting at a cyber café asking myself if i really want to do this.

don’t get me wrong. i do want to leave. i’m restless. i realise that my time here is up. and i’m really looking forward to living in bombay. thing is, i hate having to leave the people i love behind. now i know you’re going to tell me, it doesn’t make a difference. my friends will always be my friends. and bombay, it’s hardly that far away. but, trust me, anyplace that’s not an auto ride away is far away.

and that is what sucks about leaving. and that is what i’ve been struggling with. not being able to get into an auto, at any hour, for any reason, to see some one you love.

i’m making a hash of this. i need to leave for the airport. so i’m going to use laura’s help. friend. traveller. listener. whale watcher. wolf lover. will-o-the-wisp. in between two thousand words about watching bears in alaska, she had this to say - "but in between these highlights there has been a lot of reflection. a contradiction has arisen that grows stronger and harder to ignore with each passing day. a dilemma i do not quite know how to resolve.

it’s fairly simple, really. life is all about choices and choices we make have consequences. and all things do come at a price, but a price we often come to fully comprehend only when it is almost too late.

i guess i am a bit of a gypsy at heart and in a world this filled with wonders at each and every corner there is always this drive to go explore, to be on the road, temptation to be on the move towards somewhere i've never been. lets face it, i suck at being stationary. now, that of course is not a problem as such. at least it hasn't been thus far. but if i was asked to name my top priority in life (or at least one of them) it would come down to people i love, my family and friends. see the problem? my future always seems to be somewhere else and way too often it means at a distance from everyone i love. (and, to this one can add the additionally challenging fact that my loved ones aren't exactly geographically concentrated either.)

now, i've tried to compromise with bits of time spent here and there, home and away, but the end result seems like a greatly diluted version of either of the ideal extremes, a compromise that really satisfies no one and one that brings along a sense of guilt for neglecting either others or that deep-seated drive within me. it results in me being neither here or there. but if i change will i still be me or does that mean sacrificing a part of who i am in essence? is this travelling lifestyle a true choice or do i in fact lack the ability to put my roots down even if i so wished?
i don't know.

but i sure got to find out.

during one of those night time greyhound stops at a gas station somewhere (a toilet or a smoking break for passengers in need, in other words) i stood outside the bus stretching my numb legs and from inside the words of an old eagles song lingered on and provoked a perhaps somewhat melancholic smile to my face. for some reason finishing this giant of a letter with a quote from that very song seems appropriate.

you know i've always been a dreamer
spent my life running around
and its so hard to change
cant seem to settle down
but the dreams i've seen lately
keep on turning out and burning out
and turning out the same…
so put me on a highway
and show me a sign
and take it to the limit
one more time…”

i don’t know if she’ll find a place between traveling and staying put. and i don’t know if i’ll find a place between leaving and staying. but i do know this, if i have to move again, or if i want to move again, i will do so only after getting myself an auto that will give the boeings a run for their money.