love etiquette or "how to say i love you too, without throwing up on your living room rug"

remember when we were young. we'd dream of love. of meeting knights in shining armours, who otherwise weren't lost in forests. of men who left the toilet seat down. of giddy phases of unaldulterated glee. of riding off into the sunset. or alternatively, of women with d cups, who waited in sheer teddys for you to come home. or whatever your idea of perfect love was/is.

thing is, we just didn't know better. because all those stories - those dreams, were all spell checked, spruced up, edited, call it what you will. devoid of the usual faux pas and heartbreakingly embarrassing i-want-to-curl-up-and-die moments that are integral to the plot.

i mean, what the hell, do we ever dream of falling in love with people who don't love us back. or falling in lust with people who could only be uncle festers (from addams family, if you've been on a different planet) answer to a love machine. no we don't. because
a) we are inherently optimistic/stupid.
b) card companies are in a giant conspiracy to keep up this farce of perfect relationships (although, i can't imagine why, because they could just as well sell cards for 'down with love. up with sex day'. and make pots more money in the bargain)
c) hey, what kind of moron dreams of making a complete fool of themselves (that's what real life is for).

nonetheless, i've given this some thought and i've realised that love ain't the problem. it's love etiquette, that's the problem. the answer to 'i love you' is not 'who wouldn't. i'm wonderful after all' as commonly believed. hard as it is to do, one should stick to the old fashioned guidelines for this one. we're a billion of us, so obviously the old fogeys were doing something right. (mostly i think, it was a whole lot of insincere 'i love you toos')

but since we as a generation, are more honest on the whole, (along with being more uncouth) i've made a handy list for those who tongues get furry at the though of bubblegum declarations (like i love you too, honey. what's not to love?). here's to you adoptiong some i'm-as-cool-as-a-cucumber-too-and-love-doesn't-scare-me-shitless flair-

1. practise saying it in front of the mirror. of course, you're stunning and bright and love yourself to bits, so it'll come easy. then, when you're with him/her, look deep into their eyes (at your reflection) and utter those little words. it'll fall off your lips like butter.

2. record the magic words. loop it. and play it while you're asleep. not only will it lull you to sleep, it'll come to your lips unbidden while you're awake.

3. slip it into conversations. say you're sitting at a diner.
person 1: pass the ketchup, please. (our in our case it'll be pass the sambhar, please)
you: i love you, too
person 1: (pretty sure he heard you wrong) i said could you please pass the ketchup.
you: i love you too
person 1: 'you're bloody nuts. waiter, can i get another seat, please' or alternatively, 'sure honey, let's go back to my place and discuss it'
okay, think about it this way, if you can say it to complete starngers, you definitely can say it to people you love. and this way, at least you can entertain yourself.

4. fall in love with an exotic foreigner who speaks in a language you don't. that way, your translator will do the job for you. (i must take a minute here. is this a fantastic idea, or what?)

5. learn sign language. or make one up. chances are your partner will think a declaration like that is a lot more romantic.

that's it folks. the rest of the time, you're on your own.